Saving Old Glory From Obama? A Lawyer’s Encounter with a Birther

Posted in The Fringe, Uncategorized on August 7, 2009 by Political Baron

 Courtesy of the Nutmeg Lawyer

My grandfather always told me never to bring up politics or religion. Unfortunately, I broke that rule today when a man came into my office wanting to sue someone. He said he couldn’t pay me, but it was my duty to take on this case as a patriotic American. “I’m a patriotic American.” I thought. ” I could give this guy five minutes of my time.” I invited the man to have a seat, pulled out a yellow legal pad and clicked open my pen. “So how can I help you and Old Glory?” I inquired. “We need to sue Barack Hussein Obama, the usurper”.

“Fear not, Macbeth; no man that’s born of woman shall e’er have power upon thee.” I exclaimed as I showed off my knowledge of Shakespeare. “But that’s my point. Obama ain’t no natural born.” he claimed. “Are you telling me MacDuff errr Obama was not born of a woman?” I asked incredously. “No, he was born in Kenya and is a Muslim. He’s not a natural born citizen. He can’t be president. Didn’t they teach you about the constitution in your fancy New York law school?” I sat in stunned silence. No one ever called my law school fancy before. Mr. Peanut laid out his argument. I was fortunate to be graced with the truth. As a reader of this blog, I now share that insight with you.

The words he produced were like beautiful brush strokes on an old painter’s canvas. Everytime he put extra inflection on the word “Hussein”, I swore I heard an angel flap its wings. “Why won’t he produce the birth certificate?” he demanded. And why hasn’t his birth doctor come forward? I made the mistake of informing Mr. Peanut that the birth doctor apparently died and that dead people tend to have difficulty in giving press conferences. “How convenient. Probably a CIA hit to hide the truth.”

Even before he uttered CIA, my first clue should have been the heavy plastic binders he brought overflowing with countless laminated pages. I had a little experience with conspiracy theorists. Before private practice, I worked for a member of the Kennedy clan. As you can imagine, Kennedys are like crack to these people. Nevertheless, like an unfortunate teen camper in a slasher film, I decided to investigate further. What’s that scraping noise? Don’t worry, let me find out. I’ll ask the guy in the hockey mask.

As Mr. Peanut rambled on, I began accessing my options. The jump out of my window would not necessarily kill me, but my wife surely would for ruining my new suit. Faking a heart attack was out of the question. I used that trick last week. It also didn’t help that the ambulances drivers knew I was in perfect shape. They often watched me run after them. I decided to trudge onward.

Now, I have always been of the opinion that the constitution guarantees you the right to be a jackass. If you want to believe that the world is flat, unicorns exist or that WWE wrestling is real, be my guest. In a weird way, I enjoy these occasional nuts that wander into my office. They make great cocktail conversation and give me fodder for my blog. They only seem to get dangerous when they find a little support in the mainstream. Not surprisingly, Mr. Peanut mentioned a small group of Congressmen, Lou Dobbs, G. Gordon Liddy, Alan Keyes and the editor of the World Net Daily. The editor uncovered Wikipedia discrepancies in listing Obama’s birth as proof. Wikipedia, the online encyclopedia that allows anyone to alter the entries? Well, I’m sold. He also mentioned lawyers that supported the “birther cause.” “Lot’s of lawyers already agree with me” Mr. Peanut added confidently. I smiled. “Anyone I know?”

I like when people hold lawyers in high esteem. I like that mothers want their kids to grow up to be members of the bar. I always smile when a shopkeeper brags that his clients include attorneys as if it is a source of prestige. As such, I scoffed at the notion that a member of the bar would jump on the Birther conspiracy bandwagon. The hours of law study, the strenous bar exam….you have to have some semblance of intelligence to become a lawyer. Then again, think of the lawyers you know. Not all of our bar bretheren are exactly Mensa candidates. After practicing for a few years, it’s clear that you can be book smart and a yet a complete moron.

Why Haven’t They Investigated Marty McFly?

Now I am not suggesting that there is something wrong with New Jersey’s Attorney Mario Apuzzo, Pennsylvania’s Phil K Berg and California’s Dr. Orly Taitz. I do not mean to come off snooty. But whether you are a Republican or a Democrat, the argument regarding Obama’s birth seems well settled. Even Ann Coulter says it’s a dead issue. Newspaper accounts announced his birth, the state of Hawaii produced a birth certificate with a raised seal, the director of Hawaiian public health confirmed the birth, the Republican governor of Hawaii confirmed his birth, his mother was a US citizen, he underwent a strenous vetting process, and I am fairly confident Hawaii is a state. I think it’s the one where Magnum lives with Higgins. So what’s the debate about? Frankly, I don’t get it. Wouldn’t there be some record of entry at customs that the Obamas brought a kid back into the country. We’ve been keeping these types of records since Ellis Island. Do birthers really believe that there was a conspiracy for 40 plus years over several continents in a plan to someday make Barack Obama president. A conspiracy that would have to include planted birth announcements in the 60s, the bribing of the Republican governor of Hawaii and the state’s health director, the destruction of Kenyan birth records and committing the deaths of several witnesses including Obama’s parents and the birth doctor. The obvious answer is that Obama’s grandmother, knowing that her grandson would one day run for president, had a time machine and traveled back in time to place newspaper announcements in 1960s Hawaii even though he was born in Kenya. Why isn’t anyone investigating Michael J Fox? He has access to a time machine. Look for newspaper accounts of lightning storms hitting clock towers in Honolulu, Hawaii in 1961.

Cause Freedom Wears Mascara.
If you haven’t heard of Dr.Taitz, she is spectacular. No, it’s not the Novocaine talking. That is your dentist Billy. Apparently, she is a dentist /lawyer/ real estate agent. The good doctor is a graduate from an online law school (I think it may have been the exclusive Tammy Faye Baker Academy of Law, Dentistry, Real Estate, Air Conditioner Repair and Eye Glamour…. Unconfirmed. We are waiting for the certificate) Born in the Soviet Union, she can represent a client punched in the mouth, fix his teeth, and use the rest of the settlement money to show them a nice duplex. She is representing a soldier who refuses to fight because he says it would make him a war criminal. The soldier says Obama is not commander in chief. Taitz is getting lots of publicity and I assume money from the exposure. Her website asks for donations and solicits clients for her foreclosure work. After seeing her on a recent television appearance I sincerely felt a little concern for this lady. She appears to be having a nervous breakdown. It reminded me of Brittany Spears before she shaved her head.


Phil Berg could learn a lesson from her. On his website,, he asks “If each of you can send $25.00 and have three friends, family or associates send $25.00 each for a total of $100.00 at this time it would help in our efforts.” Can attorney’s solicit or what? The court denied an application for an injunction filed by Attorney Berg, which sought to stop the DNC from nominating Obama. I guess Mr. Peanut wanted me to be the representative from the great state of Connecticut. I do not blame these attorneys. It appears years of practice finally made them crack.

If you do agree with them , I apologize. I’ll even give you a lead on a client. Apparently, a woman in Vermont is looking for representation on this very issue. According to Wikipedia, she even has a couple of law school credits. Cris Ericson from Vermont is running for both senator and governor of the maple syrup state. Her number 1 issue: Vermont is more corrupt than Iran. Her mission statement attacks everyone from Vermont Public television to Patrick Swayze who apparently tried to blow her up. (If you do decide to take this case, be careful, rumor has it that Ericson was actually born in Canada. I hear she snuck over the border hiding in a hockey bag during a Bruins-Candiens game. Show us your birth certificate Ericson. Everyone knows red blooded Americans use H’s in their names. It’s spelled Chris.)

Her petition for your review:

  • PETITION TO THE SUPREME COURT OF THE UNITED STATES by registered voter, Ms. Cris Ericson of Vermont. Seeking an attorney, who is a licensed member of the Bar of the Supreme Court of the United States, to please file this Petition PRO BONO for Ms. Ericson and all interested voters who, in the course of human events, feel it is necessary for we, the people, to declare the causes which impel us to act because Mr. Obama has been too deaf to the voices of the people asking for justice. Mr. Philip J. Berg, Esq. and Mr. Lawrence J. Joyce, Esq. FAIL TO ASK THESE QUESTIONS in their PETITIONS: Is the ADJUDICATIVE FACT that Hawaii Governor Linda Lingle SEALED President-Elect Barack Hussein Obama’s original long form birth certificate PRIMA FACIE EVIDENCE that he was born in a foreign country; and SHALL the Court determine that Hawaii birth certificate laws are UN-CONSTITUTIONAL and must be stricken, voided, rescinded and repealed and overturned because Hawaii laws allow foreign born people to have their original birth certificates sealed, and allow a foreign born person to receive a NEW birth certificate fraudulently stating they were born in Hawaii? SHALL THESE HAWAII LAWS BE STRICKEN, AND SHALL THIS ACTION OF THE COURT BE RETRO-ACTIVE?; and if the Court determines these laws to be stricken and re-troactively stricken, then shall the Supreme Court of the United States determine that Barack Hussein Obama is NOT QUALIFIED to be President of the United States?
    Ms. Cris Ericson, Vermont, U.S.A.

As you can see by her petition, Ms Ericson wants the laws of Hawaii to be deemed unconstitutional then stricken, then voided, then rescinded, then repealed, then overturned, then made retroactive and then forced to watch the View, then tarred and feathered and then sent to Kenya. Apparently, if you capitalize legal terms, somehow that makes your argument better. I am going to pass on Ms. Ericson and Mr. Peanut. I’ll take my chances with the next client that walks through my door. But first, anyone know where I could buy a good deadbolt? One that is made in the USA perhaps?